


Please, don't let go

by LovelyAkuma



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: And a happy ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lots of Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt, happy yams at the end, i promise fluff, it gets really bad before it gets really good, please keep reading, really sad yams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 16:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2117385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyAkuma/pseuds/LovelyAkuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Yamaguchi was lying and Kei knew it. He believed he knew what was wrong with his friend, but, honestly, he was too damn scared of being right."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please, don't let go

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Tsukiyama fanfic but they're my Haikyuu otp so I wanted to make a fluff fanfic for them but it turned into this really angst hurt/confort thing with fluff at the very end, but I'm still really proud of it so I hope you enjoy it.

After number ten, he had stopped counting how many time he had been waken up by a heated discussion downstairs. He tried to suffocate the voices by covering his ears with his pillow, but it was pointless.

“If you don’t like the way I do things, why don’t you just leave?” he heard his mother’s angry voice yelling.

“And how are you supposed to raise a kid on your own?” his father replied sharply.

“Take him with you, then.”

“Why do _I_ have to take him? You’re his mother, for fuck’s sake!”

“Well, you’re always saying he needs to _man up_. You could teach him how to.”

“If it weren’t because you’re always pampering him—”

“I’ve never done that! If he’s the way he is, it’s _his_ problem.”

“I’m never at home. You should make him study. Make him work harder. Make him be _worth_ of the effort I do for him!”

“It’s not _my_ fault that he’s failing classes. He only focuses on his volleyball.”

“And he’s not even good at it!”

Tadashi pulled the blankets over his head and pressed the pillow tighter. Only then, he managed not to hear anything. He slowly counted to a hundred, then two hundreds, then three. When he reached a-thousand-and-seventy-two, he decided it was time to get up.

He got dressed and brushed his teeth, trying to ignore the yelling. When he got out of the house without even having breakfast, his parents didn’t seem to care.

 

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

 

When he got to the usual spot where he and Tsukki met, his friend was already there.

“You’re late, Yamaguchi,” Tsukki said instead of ‘hello’ as he pulled his headphones down.

“Yeah… sorry, Tsukki,” he replied with little energy.

Tsukki looked at him as if noticing something was off, but Tadashi quickly managed to flash a convincing-enough smile.

“Well, let’s go,” Tsukki urged him, and, just like every day, Tadashi followed.

 

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

 

Yamaguchi was lying and Kei knew it. He believed he knew what was wrong with his friend, but, honestly, he was too damn scared of being right.

When Yamaguchi refused to take part in the serve-receiving exercise —he said he was just tired and needed a moment—, Kei’s heart sunk.

_He can’t… I mean he could have… but… that’s just…_

Kei tsked. He didn’t want to believe Yamaguchi would do something like that, but Kei could put two and two together, and he knew something was wrong. Yamaguchi was more distracted and less cheerful lately, he would get late to school and practice, and miss classes now and then —something he had _never_ done before. And despite how little attention and enthusiasm he seemed to be putting into anything school-related, he also seemed determined to go home as late as he could. He had also been wearing long-sleeves and jackets, even during practice, and refused to take them off in front of Kei or anyone else.

Kei knew what was wrong.

But, still, he just didn’t know how to approach Yamaguchi about it. He was too afraid of saying something that could make things worse.

“Can we gather, boys?” the voice of the coach rose from a distant corner of the gym.

The voice didn’t reply. They just formed a semi-circle around him.

“We’re having a special practice today in the afternoon,” Takeda-sensei announced.

“Special practice?” he heard Sugawara whispered.

Sawamura shrugged. He didn’t know about it either.

“An open practice,” finished Coach Ukai. “Any person who wants, student or not, will be allowed to come and watch you play.”

“Why?” Hinata asked.

“I want anyone to see that we can _fly_ ,” he replied with a smile. “Team A will play against Team B. Good luck. Now, go to class and we’ll meet in the afternoon.

Everyone replied with enthusiasm and left the gym.

 

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

 

“You’re not eating?” Tsukki asked him.

Tadashi smiled at him apologetically.

“I’m not hungry,” he replied, and it was true. He hadn’t been hungry in weeks. He only ate when he no longer could stand still, when he started to feel dizzy. His parents didn’t mind that he didn’t eat with them. Maybe they thought he had had enough to eat at school.

_No_ , he thought to himself. _They probably just don’t care_.

“You need to eat,” Tsukki pushed, and put a sandwich in front of him.

“I don’t want to eat.”

_Maybe if I avoid eating for a couple of days, I’ll disappear_.

“You’ve got a match to play, Yamaguchi,” Tsukki insisted and tsked.

Tadashi smiled again, and he knew it was a sad smile, but he couldn’t help it. He was tired.

“I’m sorry I’m a bother,” he said simply.

_Even Tsukki would be better without me._

“You’re not a bother,” his friend replied with a frown.

_He’s angry at me, because he had to take care of me, just like mom and dad._

“Sorry, Tsukki.

“It’s fine,” Tsukki said, and it looked like he was going to say something else, but didn’t. “Now, eat something.”

Tadashi nodded and ate half of Tsukki’s sandwich before the bell rang and they got back to class.

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

 

He had actually expected it there to be few people watching, but the gym was packed-full of people. Girls, boys, men and women were expectantly sitting in the crowded gym, waiting for the match to start.

Tadashi was nervous. This wasn’t the first time Team A and Team B played against each other, but the audience made it official: this was _officially_ the first time he’d have to play _against Tsukki_.

He was terrified, even in spite of Suga-san and Ennoshita’s reassuring presence.

_I’m going to screw it up. In front of everyone_.

And he did.

He was nervous and dizzy, he missed receives and none of his serves reached the other side of the court.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered.

“Don’t worry,” Suga-san smiled at him in spite of the fact that they were losing because of him.

Suga-san tossed him the ball and he tried to spike it, but Tsukki blocked him effortlessly. Tsukki always played with a stoic expression, but he wasn’t right now. He was _angry_.

Tadashi felt a sharp pain in his chest. Was Tsukki mad at him? He probably was.

“That’s Yamaguchi Tadashi, right?” he heard a voice say.

Tsukki went stiff at the simple mention of his friend’s name and his expression hardened. He was definitely mad at him.

“Yeah,” another voice replied. “He’s the only First Year that’s not a regular.”

He tried to block the voices, but he didn’t have a blanket, he didn’t have a pillow. All he had was his head that was spinning.

He saw Tsukki give a step forward.

“Yama—”

“There’s a reason he’s not a regular.” The voiced covered Tsukki’s.

“I know. He can’t play.”

“I don’t know what he practices for.”

“Suga-san tosses him the ball but he can’t do anything.”

“The rest of the team have make up for the points he loses.”

“Come on. He’s hurting the team by being in it.”

“He’s a burden to them.”

“The team would be better without him.”

The match was still on, the rest of the team was still playing and voices were still talking, but Tadashi was running out of the gym.

He needed air.

He needed quiet.

He heard Tsukki’s voice yelling at someone, but he didn’t care. He kept running, desperately searching for a quiet and open space.

His feet led him to the roof.

He gasped for air. He couldn’t breathe.

_Perhaps it’s better this way. If I stop breathing, I’ll stop hurting, and I won’t be a bother, a burden, anymore._

He managed to keep breathing, though, and sat on the railing. He watched the empty school backyard. If he jumped, it would all be over, right?

The pain.

His pain.

Everyone else’s too.

He closed his eyes and stood by the edge of the roof, the tip of his feet tasting the void. The only thing that kept him from falling were his hands, firmly clasping the railing.

He thought of his parents yelling, of Tsukki’s angry face, of the team losing, of the voices… They were right.

_I’m a burden. If I’m not around anymore, everyone will be better. Mom and dad will stop fighting, Tsukki will frown less, the team won’t lose…_

He let go of one hand, his body swinging heavily in the wind.

_Everyone will be better if I just…_

“NO!” A hard voice broke the air piercing his ears, and a pair of strong arms grabbed him firmly against a hard chest, only the railing between them.

He could recognize Tsukki’s voice even if all the boy was doing was gasping for air. He opened his eyes but didn’t dare look at him. Tsukki was probably mad.

_He’s so mad he’s shaking_ , he thought, feeling Tsukki’s arms trembling around his waist.

“What are you doing, Tadashi?”  Tsukki asked in a harsh, hoarse whisper. His first name pronounced by Tsukki pierced his chest.

“You should let me go,” Tadashi managed. “I’m just a burden.”

“What are you—?”

“I know I am,” he interrupted him, and his voice broke as tears starting flowing. “I’m a burden to mom and dad, because I’m not good enough. _I’m not good enough_. And volleyball’s the only thing I actually enjoyed, but I’m not even good at it, the rest of the team has to make up for me. We lost because of me” And I make you angry all the time, right? Even you would be better without me, not having to take of me! That’s why—”

“I’m sorry,” Tsukki said. His voice shook, and Tadashi gathered the strength to look at him, and when he did, his heart stopped. Tsukki was _crying_. “I’m sorry, Tadashi,” he repeated, and held him tighter.

“Why are you—?”

“I’m sorry that every time you looked at me you saw someone who didn’t care about you, who seemed that he would be better without you.”

“Tsukki—”

“I wouldn’t!” Tsukki’s tears flowed non-stop. “I need you, Yamaguchi. You’re my best friend! You’re the only one who puts up with me, and you deserve a fucking monument and an anthem for it! And if you ever felt I didn’t care about you, the problem wasn’t you. It was me. Because I’m a fucker, a bastard, an asshole, and I never treated you like I knew you deserved, but _it was_ _me_. Please.” He was shaking so bad. “You _do_ matter. You’ve got a family that loves you—”

“They don’t.”

“Yes, they do! And I love you too!”

“Tsukki—”

“ _Please_ , Tadashi, believe me,” he pleaded. Tsukki was _pleading_ , and crying, and shaking, and holding him so close he wondered how they were still two people and hadn’t merged into one. “You matter, and you’re important, and if something happened to you _all of us_ would be devastated. _I_  would. So, please, don’t let go. _Please, Tadashi, don’t let go._ ”

He felt a warm feeling in his chest, he began to slowly feel whole again. He wanted to thank Tsukki from the bottom of his heart, tell him how much every word meant to him, but all he managed to do was choke in tears and nod.

“Good,” Tsukki replied, but was still holding him close to his chest, still shaking. He placed a kiss on the top of Tadashi’s head. “Good.”

 

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

 

An hour later, both of them walked to the gym hand in hand.

When they entered the gym, Tadashi was overwhelmed by a dozen of ‘where were you?’ and ‘are you okay?’ and ‘you were just having a bad day’ and ‘are you hungry?’ and ‘are you thirsty?’ and ‘wanna talk?’

“I’m… better,” he replied honestly and smiled. Tsukki’s hand in his filled him with warmth ad calmed him down.

“I want to talk with all of you,” Tsukki told the whole team.

They looked at him with expression ranging from surprised to worried.

“Are you going to tell us you’re going out with Yamaguchi?” Hinata asked, seeing his fingers knit.

Tadashi tried to let go of Tsukki’s hand, afraid of embarrassing him, but Tsukki didn’t let him.

“That’s not what I want to talk about,” he replied and smiled slightly at Tadashi.

A low murmur filled the gum but Sawamura-senpai hushed them.

“What is it that you want to talk about?”

“Be honest with this. Would any of you be able to play volleyball with the same passion, enthusiasm and joy if Yamaguchi wasn’t in the team?

“Tsukki—”

All the team exploded into loud babblings. Even Sawamura joined.

“You’re not leaving, are you?”

“You can’t leave.”

“You’re part of us.”

“You’re part of the team.”

“We wouldn’t be the same without you.”

“If there’s something wrong, please tell us.”

“We can work it out together.”

“We’re a team, after all.”

One voice overlapped the other, but every voice Tadashi could distinguish said something equally nice and warm.

He squeezed Tsukki’s hand so tight he was afraid Tsukki would let go, but he didn’t He stood by his side, tracing slow circles with his thumb on the back of Tadashi’s hand.

“No… I… I’m not leaving.”

“Good,” Ennoshita-senpai said. “What’s gotten into you? This match was just a practice match. Don’t let yourself be let down by it.”

“Have you been eating properly?” Coach Ukai asked. “Like that, it’s normal that you won’t be fine enough to play a match.”

“And you haven’t been sleeping enough,” Suga-san added. “You’ve been coming with bags under your eyes for weeks.”

“You just need to take care of yourself,” Tanaka-senpai told him.

“And don’t listen to what stupid people who don’t know you say,” Nishinoya-senpai added.

“We all know you work hard.”

“And you come to practice with a smile...”

“Even early in the morning of a test day!”

“And you care about others.”

“And you put up with Tsukishima’s shit,” Kageyama said.

Tadashi couldn’t help but laugh, a deep laugh the came out right from his chest, a genuine laughed he hadn’t feel for so long it seemed like ages ago. And in between laughing, he started crying, warm happy tears.

“You made him cry, Kageyama,” Hinata scolded him.

Kageyama looked genuinely distressed and sorry, and the rest of the team joined Tadashi’s soft hiccupped laugh with their loud ones.

Tsukki leaned over Tadashi and whispered softly into his ear, with a hint of a caring smile in his voice as spoke, only for Tadashi to hear.

“See, Tadashi? You do have a family who loves you.”

Again, all Tadashi could do was choke in tears and nod, smiling.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> (To be honest, half of my motivation to write this fic was Tsukki sobbing over Yamaguchi. It might be a little ooc, but keep in mind his best friend almost jumped off a roof, please don't tell me he wouldn't break down after experiencing that!)  
> I'm slightly sorry about all the angst going on and Yamaguchi's shitty parents...  
> Also, if you liked it, please tell me! I'd love to know your opinion since it's my first Tsukiyama fic!


End file.
